A long time ago, I had a little tumblr, and on it, I shared all my deepest, darkest feelings. I recently visited the site because I thought I had written something on there that would help me while planning a bible study (and of course I was unable to find it!) but upon reading my old posts, I realized how COOL it was to see how God was working in me at that time, and to see how I’ve grown since then.

Here’s a post on worship:

I struggle with worship. Growing up in church, I always knew what it looked or sounded like to worship God, and I’d go on through the motions. A raised hand here, bowed head there … but my worship was not real, something which was made very clear to me as my mind continued to wander throughout prayer or musical worship. I wanted my worship to be real, and copying other people’s behaviours was not real.

Authentic worship requires emotion.

But I never knew how to achieve this emotion. And it obviously wouldn’t be authentic if I willed myself to worship God instead of having worship spill spontaneously out of me. I have learned that this emotion in worship comes from a gratitude, an affection, a reverence towards God.

“The hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.” (John 4:23-24)

My ability to worship comes from the work that the Holy Spirit is doing in me, and from the truth of the Word of God and what it tells me about my Father. I see God’s holiness, and in contrast, I see my sin, and then I see the need for forgiveness. And since Jesus Christ has already forgiven me and saved me from my sin, emotions of joy and peace and brokenness flow, leading to an authentic worship towards my Father, the Creator of this earth. How amazing.

Sometimes I’m surprised by what I was like, sometimes I’m comforted, mostly I’m shocked at how candid I was. Above all, scrolling through this site was a reminder that God was and still is working in me. He has made me more caring and more patient (Dangerous Dan’s words!), and I’m so glad that by His grace and mercy He continues to draw me (still so sinful and selfish!) towards Him.

Even during exams. :) My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:2)


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